<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>mon vrai amour by MoonlightBreeze</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28002852">mon vrai amour</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze'>MoonlightBreeze</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Alec Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Magnus is a nice thing, Nonverbal Communication, Stimming, That's real love, True Love, no beta we die like men, when someone loves you and everything that you are</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:35:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,355</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28002852</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec Lightwood has experienced real love before. He does have Magnus, after all. But sometimes, on some days, that real love is just a little more pronounced. </p><p>Or, Alec has a bad day and Magnus is there for him. </p><p> </p><p>Happy ending!!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>272</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Autistic Alec Lightwood, Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>mon vrai amour</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey, guys! This is just a little fic about Autistic Alec that I wrote on impulse tonight. I hope you enjoy it! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And, as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night! </p><p>~ Em</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The rest of the Shadowhunters always talked about real love like it was some fairytale; a fantasy concept that no one really knew the definition of. Shadowhunters didn’t exactly marry for love, and Alec knew from a young age that he would be no different. Real love was something so distant and far off, it almost felt like he would never be able to grasp it. </p><p>Alec didn’t know what real love was, truly, until he was sixteen, and he saw two of his peers sitting together underneath a big oak tree in front of the Institute. </p><p>Jessica Carter and Sam Rubenstein were talking in low, hushed voices, and Alec couldn’t get close enough to hear what they were saying - not that he really wanted to, anyway. Their words weren’t what was important to him. Alec hesitated in the doorway of the Institute, watching. The way that they were holding each other was something he’d never seen before. His parents didn’t hold each other like that. No one in the Institute did. </p><p>Alec left them alone then, wondering what that meant for him and his future. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>Years later, in the aftermath of a mass Downworlder murder, Alec found real love again. It came in the form of a frantic warlock with a heart that rivaled Alec’s own and golden eyes that made Alec fall a little bit more in love with him every time he saw them. The declaration, the “Magnus, I love you,” and the murmured, “I love you, too,” were just enough for Alec to realise that Magnus was his real love; Magnus was his wish on a star that he never thought would come true. </p><p>Alec took Magnus’s face between his palms and kissed him like he would never be able to again. He didn’t want to let go. He didn’t ever want to let go. </p><p>~ ~ ~</p><p>Really, though, Alec thought, real love didn’t come in the quiet moments or the post-battle desperation to feel his husband and make sure he was really there, make sure they were both alive and safe and together. Though they were all times when he felt real love, the realest of them all were the bad days. The days when Alec felt like nothing would ever be okay again and Magnus was there to make sure he knew that they would get through it, together. </p><p>On the bad days, Alec knew that Magnus was his real love more than he knew his own name; Magnus would never stop proving that to him for as long as they both lived. It was the good days, Alec thought, that proved Magnus was there, but it was the bad days that proved he would stay. </p><p>Sometimes bad days started out like any other, and it was a calm Sunday morning when Alec found himself restless and itching to focus on something, <em>anything</em>, that wasn’t the relentless pounding beneath his skin.</p><p> Magnus and Alec were in the loft together, and it was quiet; so quiet that it made Alec’s skin crawl. He tried to turn on music, drown out the quiet, but every beat felt wrong and every song made him want to scream because it wasn’t <em>right</em>, it wasn’t right, it wasn’t what he <em>needed</em>. He exhaled shakily and ran a frustrated hand down his face. He knew what this was. He’d certainly experienced it enough times to know. It didn’t make the realisation any easier. </p><p>Alec had almost decided to retreat underneath his weighted blanket and try to sleep the uncomfortable feelings away when Magnus waltzed in from his apothecary, babbling about a new potion that he wanted Alec to see. Alec felt awful even thinking about refusing him when he was this enthusiastic, so he took Magnus’s outstretched hand and allowed him to lead them into the apothecary. </p><p>Alec dropped Magnus’s hand the second they were there, hoping his husband wouldn’t take it personally. The skin-to-skin contact made him want to scream, and the sights &amp; sounds of the apothecary didn’t help matters. </p><p>“See?” Magnus was saying. “A few drops of werewolf blood, add some kimido scales and a dash of Ravener demon venom - ” Alec’s ears started to ring, and frustrated tears pooled in his eyes. <em>Dammit, he just had to ruin everything, didn’t he?</em></p><p>“Alexander?” Magnus paused in his ramble, questing for an explanation that Alec couldn’t give him. “Are you alright?”</p><p>Alec let out a small whimper that made his cheeks darken with embarrassment, and Magnus walked towards him, reaching out a hand to touch Alec’s arm. Alec, acting on instinct, moved away. He couldn’t see past the visual assault of Magnus’s apothecary to watch it happen, but he knew that hurt had flashed in Magnus’s eyes. He didn’t understand, he didn’t <em>understand</em>, Alec had to make him understand -</p><p>The smells were overwhelming now, all of the ingredients blending together, and the gentle bubbling of the potion sounded like a roaring in his head. Alec whimpered again and clamped his hands over his ears. He knew how he must look, shaking apart over a touch, over a few sounds and smells, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He just needed everything to stop, stop, it was too much, too much, <em>too much </em>- </p><p>“Alexander,” Magnus’s voice came again through the din, and he sounded more sure of himself, the confusion gone from his voice, and Alec knew that he knew what was going on now. “I’m going to take you back to our bedroom. Is that okay?”</p><p>Alec couldn’t speak, couldn’t even nod, so he just tightened his grip on his ears and hoped Magnus would understand. </p><p>He must have, because in a second Magnus had a hold of his sleeve and he was dragging Alec away from the apothecary, steering him towards the bedroom and giving him as gentle of a shove as he could manage so that Alec would crawl into the bed underneath his weighted blanket. </p><p>A siren outside Magnus’s apartment blared, and Alec cried out in pain, digging his fingernails into his skull. Magnus made a low sound in the back of his throat and Alec saw a flash of blue magic, felt the soundproofing blanketing the loft until all he could hear was overwhelming silence and his own little cries. </p><p>Magnus stood at the foot of the bed and waited for Alec to calm down. He breathed deeply, exaggerating his own breathing for Alec to copy. Alec tried to match him, inhaling shakily, one breath after the other and another and another until he felt like he could breathe again. He slowly removed his hands from his ears, trying to ignore the way that they trembled. </p><p>Magnus moved a little closer when he saw this, still giving Alec plenty of space, and gestured to the bloody marks his fingernails had left in the skin around his ears. “Can I heal those?” Alec nodded wordlessly. </p><p>The wash of familiar magic helped Alec ground himself in reality, focus just enough to pull himself from his spiral. He took a slow, deep breath. The light from the sun invaded his eyes, and he tried to tell Magnus that he needed it gone, that he wanted it dark, but he couldn’t. Speaking was an impossibility and tears rose to Alec’s eyes when he realised it was going to be one of <em>those </em>days. </p><p>Magnus, noticing his husband’s distress, started listing things that might be upsetting Alec. He went through the blanket, Alec’s clothes - which <em>were </em>upsetting him, but Alec needed the light gone first and foremost - and the temperature in the room before he got to “light” and Alec was able to nod empathetically. Magnus immediately dimmed the lights, replacing his regular curtains with blackout ones that blocked the sunlight from streaming in. </p><p>“That better?” Magnus asked, and tears began to roll down Alec’s cheeks at his words. He wanted to reply, wanted to say <em>thank you </em>and <em>please don’t leave </em>and <em>I’m sorry </em>but he couldn’t force the words past his lips. </p><p>“Alexander, I need to ask you a question,” Magnus said, and he waited until Alec’s attention was on him before continuing, “Do you think today is going to be a nonverbal day?” </p><p>Alec’s tense nod in response was all Magnus needed to hear. He made a sympathetic sound in the back of his throat, one that made Alec’s eyes burn with more tears. He hated this. He hated this so much. Sometimes he wished he could just be normal, just for once in his life, with the one that he loved. Sometimes he wished he wasn’t so, so...<em>broken</em>. So horribly, unbelievably fucking broken and defective and <em>wrong</em>. </p><p>“Can you show me what colour you are right now, Alexander?” Magnus pulled him from his thoughts and gestured to his wrist, where Alec wore his communication bracelets that they used on nonverbal days. </p><p>Alec took a deep breath and found the right one, showing it to Magnus. It was red, and it depicted a small sad face and the words, “No touch.” </p><p>“Okay,” Magnus said, and his voice was free of judgement, sadness, or frustration. It made Alec want to cry. He didn’t deserve someone like Magnus, someone so wonderful and amazing and <em>perfect</em>. </p><p>“What do you need?” Magnus asked. “I’ll go through a list of things and you let me know if you need anything changed or moved or gotten rid of, okay?” Alec nodded a little, letting his hands stray to the blanket on top of him, playing with the loose threads. Magnus handed him one of the necklaces from around his neck without a word, smiling a little as Alec jumped on the cool, hard metal and twisted it around his fingers. </p><p>“Blanket,” Magnus said first, gesturing to Alec’s weighted blanket. Alec shook his head, no. His blanket was fine. </p><p>“Stims,” Magnus continued, and he gestured to the necklace Alec was fiddling with. “Do you want something else? I have a cat stuffed animal if you want it, or we have those new spinner rings that I got you.” Alec lifted his hands, immediately feeling out of sorts without the necklace to focus on, and gestured in the direction of their closet. “Stuffed cat it is,” Magnus murmured, and he summoned the plush toy from its place at the top of their closet. He handed it to Alec carefully, avoiding touching him, and Alec smiled gratefully in response. </p><p>“Clothes,” Magnus said, gesturing to the t-shirt and slacks Alec was wearing. Alec nodded, almost frantically, the burn of the clothes returning tenfold now that the light wasn’t overpowering his senses. </p><p>“Okay. The easiest way to do that is to use magic.” He waited for confirmation from Alec before continuing, blue sparking at his fingertips. “It might be a little sudden and unpleasant at first,” Magnus warned. Alec nodded a little. He was ready. Anything to get out of these fucking clothes. </p><p>Magnus snapped his fingers, and Alec’s clothes from before were replaced with a soft tank top and pyjama pants. Alec gasped a little, breathing through the sudden change. It was jarring at first, and it made him want to run, get away, <em>stop</em>, but eventually, he settled into the familiar outfit, bending over so the tank top stretched across his back and made him feel snug and secure. </p><p>“Lights are fine, noise is fine, smell is fine,” Magnus muttered to himself, checking things off on his fingers. Alec petted the stuffed cat, trying to focus on the sensation of its fur beneath his hand. </p><p>“Is everything okay for now?” Magnus asked him. “Nothing I can help with at the moment?”</p><p>Alec nodded a little, focusing on the stuffed toy in his arms. </p><p>“Colour, Alexander?”</p><p>Alec swallowed hard and showed Magnus his red bracelet again. He couldn’t look at Magnus, not right now, so he couldn’t see Magnus’s reaction. He bit his lip, hard, and squeezed the cat to his chest. </p><p>“It’s alright,” Magnus reassured him, noticing his reaction. “I’m not upset, Alexander. I will never be upset.”</p><p>Alec made a disbelieving noise in the back of his throat. </p><p>“I love you,” Magnus said, and the words held so much sincerity that Alec wished with everything in him that he could touch Magnus, that he could handle having someone else’s skin on his right now. The urge to reply with <em>I love you, too </em>brought tears to Alec’s eyes, and he started to rock back and forth, slow at first, but gaining speed. </p><p>“You don’t have to say it,” Magnus said, noticing Alec’s rocking. “I know that you love me, too.” That made Alec calm a little, slowing the pace of his rocking. “I said that because love is never a subjective thing,” Magnus continued. “Love is <em>everything</em>, Alexander. When I say that I love you, I don’t just mean that I love you when you’re okay. I don’t just love you when you’re happy, or when you’re supportive, or when you’re helping me. I love you all the time, Alexander, including right now.”</p><p>A sob broke free from Alec’s throat, and he hid his face in his arms. He remembered the other times, before, when he’d realised what real love meant and how it felt. This was real love. Magnus was real love. </p><p>Alec took a deep breath and gestured for Magnus to climb into bed next to him. Magnus quirked an eyebrow at him, as if to say, <em>are you sure?</em> Alec nodded and moved over a little to give him some space. Magnus slid into bed on his side and faced Alec once again, waiting for direction. Alec smiled a little without meeting his eyes and placed the stuffed cat between them, his hand buried in its fur. </p><p>And somehow, through the power of real love or maybe just because he knew his husband, Magnus understood. </p><p>When their hands touched, gently over the stuffed cat, Alec didn’t have to hold his breath, brace for impact, to his surprise. He didn’t feel as if his whole world was exploding. Rather, he felt like a new world was forming. A happier, safer, better world, a world with Magnus at its center. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/">Stalk me on Tumblr</a>
</p><p>Prompts are open, but very slow! Thanks for your understanding. &lt;3</p><p>If you love Shadowhunters, chaos, and gaining new friends (or any combination of the three), I invite you to <a href="https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD">join the Discord server</a> I run with my friends! We're a multifandom server that caters to Shadowhunters, Supernatural, Marvel, and more. We welcome everyone, and we'd love to have you! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>